My Life Needs Subtitles
by tastes-like-ciel
Summary: Lelouch's odd late-night cravings lead to an extra special hospital visit that results in preparation for "motherhood". / "You!" Lelouch exclaimed, swinging his pillow at Suzaku's face again. "I'm pregnant you bastard and it's all your fault!"


Title: My Life Needs Subtitles

Genre: Humor/Romance

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: AU. Cracktastic crack. "F" word use a lot. SuzaLulu. Male pregnancy. Also, randomness…but crack can have randomness so FFFFF.

Summary: Lelouch's odd late-night cravings lead to an extra special hospital visit that results in preparation for "motherhood". / "_You_!" Lelouch exclaimed, swinging his pillow at Suzaku's face again. "_I'm pregnant you bastard and it's all your fault_!"

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass.

Serena: What is this I don't even…

-X-X-X-

'_I hate my life. I really do. Why does everything in it insist on being so complicated?_'

Was it too much to ask to have a even a smidgen of normalcy?

Between dealing with an immortal pizza hog, a supernatural power that liked to screw people over, a stalker-freak chainsaw-wielding homicidal maniac, an evil father on a power-trip, and a boyfriend and alter-ego who would love nothing more than to steal him away after killing each other, Lelouch did _not_ have _any_ room in his life for another issue.

'_I'm going to kill Suzaku. I mean it. Fiancé or no fiancé, he's a dead man._'

Suzaku pretended to be so innocent, but it was all a giant lie and Lelouch was going to expose him for what he was because it was all Suzaku's fault! Thanks to that jackass, Lelouch had a huge dilemma on his hands and there was no way he could properly handle the situation without researching his ass off.

'_It's not like I couldn't because I __**can**__. I just…this isn't the sort of thing I thought I would ever have to deal with and I just don't see how I could do it right when I'm who and what I am. For God's sake, I'm in the middle of an uprising against Britannia! Oh, Suzaku __**always**__ manages to complicate things!_'

Lelouch was certain that his blood pressure was sky rocketing. His doctor would surely chastise him for allowing himself to endure such high stress levels. However, given his special circumstances, his doctor might actually be in a forgiving mood. Still, Lelouch knew that he would be in trouble should he continue to stress like this.

'_I really need a vacation. I want to barricade myself in my room until everyone stops being so stupid. …I would be locked away for the rest of days, though….whatever. I'm sick of being around people. A few years of isolation would do me a world of good._'

Stress piled on top of more stress was going to force him into an early grave if he didn't start taking better care of himself. He tried to, but with everything he had to deal with, it was easier for him to ignore those things.

'_I'm suffering for all that now, though. I let him have his way with me because I was too tired to fight back and now…_'

A long sigh blew into the air as Lelouch rubbed at his forehead, trying to quell a coming headache. He slumped into the cushions of the couch he was lounging on and let another yet whinier sigh loose.

"Damn it, Suzaku. I really hate you right now!" he whined, curling into the couch cushions and burying his face into a decorative pillow.

'_And I keep craving pickles and chocolate-covered peanut butter strawberries! Fucking closet furry raping me for no reason! I'll __**kill**__ him with this pillow!_'

And with that rage filled thought, Lelouch snatched up his phone (that he had carelessly thrown onto the other end of the couch) and hit Suzaku's speed dial number in an irritable fashion.

Then he waited in a perturbed sort of silence as the phone rang.

His lips were set into a scowl. His eyes were narrowed into dangerous, raged-filled slits. His free hand was absentmindedly picking at nonexistent threads in the pillow he planned to smother Suzaku with later.

The phone rang once, then twice, and on the third ring, a click sounded and Lelouch could hear the breathless voice of the person he wanted to punish the most.

"H-Hey, Lu." Suzaku greeted in heavy pants.

If Lelouch hadn't been so mad, he might have been amused by Suzaku's breathless tone. (It was pretty cute, after all. Heavy breathes slipping from the lips of someone so athletic. He could imagine that sweat must be rolling down those perfectly carved-_no_. Lelouch didn't need to let anything distract him from his rage! Suzaku _wasn't_ cute right now. He was an _enemy_. A _dead_ enemy.)

"Come to my room before I kick your ass. Now." Lelouch greeted before disconnecting the call with an agitated snapped of his phone.

'_I'll go kick C.C. out of my room and then set a trap for that exercise nut. He's dead because I'm killing him. I mean it._'

-X-X-

Suzaku blinked once in confusion as Lelouch disconnected their call.

'…_umm….what was tha-wait._'

Suzaku's eyes began to slowly widen as he stared at his phone in growing horror.

'…_oh, shit._'

Oh, _shit_.

Oh, _shiiiit_!

Lelouch wanted to kill him.

Damn. Just…damn it. What did he do to piss Lelouch off so badly?

Suzaku's shoulder's sagged as he moaned loudly.

"I don't know what I did and I'm screwed." he complained, cursing at the situation. "Augh... This. _You._" -Suzaku pointed at his cell phone accusingly- "Why? What did I _dooo_!"

Suzaku sighed wearily, flipping his cell phone shut before slipping it back into his pants' pocket.

It was hot, he was sweaty, and he was screwed (and not in the good way).

_Fuck._

'_Sometimes I think Lelouch has a perpetual case of PMS. This is so unfair. I wish I knew what I did._'

"Trouble in paradise, dear~?" an annoying voice suddenly asked as arms suddenly wound themselves around Suzaku's neck.

"Don't call me that." Suzaku responded in monotone, trying to shrug the arms off. "And please get off me. We've talked about this already and I know you don't want Lulu sicking Mittens on you again."

At that casual threat, the arms instantly removed themselves out of fear for the furry kitten's wrath.

"Awww~ I just wanted a hug~ You didn't have to threaten me, you know."

"_Gino_."

Gino lifted his hands in a sign of surrender.

"Alright, alright. I'll leave you alone...for now."

Suzaku just sighed irritably.

"I have to go. _My fiancé_ called." Suzaku informed the blond, making sure to stress the word "fiancé".

Gino was some kind of an idiot stalker freak (as Lelouch had so eloquently phrased it). He knew that Suzaku and Lelouch were engaged. He also knew that Suzaku held absolutely _no_ interest in him whatsoever.

Suzaku loved Lelouch. That was an unchangeable fact.

But Gino was determined to steal Suzaku away regardless.

Therefore, he was (as Lelouch had phrased it) "an idiot stalker freak".

"Can I come?"

"_No_, Gino."

"Aww."

-X-X-

"Whatever I did, I'm sorry!" Suzaku screamed in apology as he burst through the door to Lelouch's room.

POOFMPH!

And as soon as he stepped into the eerily quiet room, a pillow harshly collided with his face. (But it was a pillow, you know. So Suzaku didn't sustain any scarring types of damage. Also, when you take into account the person who had deemed fit to whack Suzaku in the face with a pillow, the possibilities of Suzaku sustaining _any_ sort of damage was almost laughable.)

Though Suzaku was more or less unharmed, the shock of being attacked by a rogue pillow sent his soldier instincts into red alert. (Never mind that the weapon was a harmless pillow and Suzaku already knew exactly who had the audacity to attack him with said harmless pillow in the first place.)

POUNCE!

"Suzaku, get _off _me so I can kick your ass!" Lelouch screeched, wiggling in Suzaku's hold, "weapon" still clutched in his right hand.

POOFMPH!

Lelouch whacked Suzaku with his pillow again as a threat. (Which, considering that Lelouch intended to "kick his ass" using said pillow, was a moot point.)

"Not that you could anyway, but no way!" Suzaku stated, effectively keeping Lelouch pinned underneath him.

He was epically failing at avoiding that pillow however.

POOFMPH!

"Oh, I think I'm doing well considering I have you on top of me." Lelouch countered, a pleased smile playing across his lips at Suzaku's tussled looking state.

Ha.

The pillow was messing up Suzaku's hair.

Serves him right.

POOFMPH!

"Lelouch, _stop_ hitting me with that! This is the only warning I'm giving you."

Silence.

"…"

Lelouch just stared at Suzaku with an eyebrow raised in defiance.

…

And then…

"…make me."

POOFMPH!

"…that's it, Lelouch! No more nice Suzaku!"

TICKLE COUNTER ATTACK!

"H-hey! This isn't fair, Suzahahahaku!" Lelouch complained, a few stray giggles slipping out despite himself. "You jerherherk! Thihes is cheating!"

Suzaku stuck his tongue out at Lelouch in an "I won." sort of way.

"All is fair in love and war, Lelouch." he replied in amusement. "And you started this war when you decided to start attacking me with that pillow~"

Suzaku winked.

"Plus, I love you too much to actually hurt you. So turning you into a giggling heap is my only option~"

In a way, that was a lie. Suzaku could always use seduction as a means to distract Lelouch from his rage, but let's face it, _this_ method was ten times more fun.

Lelouch wasn't going to stand for it, however. So he used yet another threat to try and knock some sense into is idiot of a fiancé.

"Stahahap! You're going to hurhurt the bayhayby!"

PAUSE.

"…"

Hurray for threats that actually worked.

"…e-excuse me?" Suzaku asked, shocked by Lelouch's outrageous statement. "What did you just-? I don't-"

Suzaku's eyes narrowed in confusion and suspicion.

"Just what sort of _lie_ are you trying to tell now, Lelouch?" he asked, continuing to pause in his tickle attack while he stared at his panting soon-to-be-wifey like said boy had grown a second head.

"It's _not_ a lie." Lelouch snapped, irritated at Suzaku for not only _impregnating_ him but tickling him as well.

He really despised that.

"_You_"

Lelouch pointed an accusatory finger at Suzaku as he pushed himself up into a sitting position with his other hand.

"got _me_"

Here he pointed at himself.

"_pregnant_." he finished, his rage returning full force as the urge to smother Suzaku with that pillow grew to an unholy extreme. "Trouble sleeping because of odd food cravings and strange dreams. Remember? I had an appointment with Dr. Finkleburg yesterday."

Lelouch jabbed a finger into Suzaku's chest.

"He ran tests on me."

Another jab into Suzaku's chest.

"He came back with the results today."

And yet another jab.

"He _proved_ me to be _pregnant_ and who the _hell_ do you think could have possibly done that, eh?"

Lelouch snatched up his pillow and whacked Suzaku in the face once more.

"_You_!" Lelouch exclaimed, swinging his pillow at Suzaku's face again. "_I'm pregnant you bastard and it's all your fault_!"

"Ow! J-Just calm down and let's discuss this rationally, Lulu!"

-X-X-

A little while later, Suzaku had managed to calm Lelouch down with an offering of pudding and a promise of no tickle attacks for at least three weeks.

(Lelouch had wanted it to be forever, but even he knew how impossible a request that would have been for Suzaku to fulfill; therefore, he had opted to bring it down to a year or two.

Suzaku had argued.

He couldn't last that long without trying.

Lelouch brought it down to a few months, but Suzaku continued to argue.

Then, while Lelouch was fussing about a "fair" length of time, Suzaku offered him chocolate pudding and asked it to be three weeks.

Lelouch took the pudding without another fussy word.)

And once Lelouch was calm, Suzaku had asked him about the whole "I'm pregnant." business. Lelouch had re-explained (in a much calmer and less threatening way) what Dr. Finkleburg had told him regarding his test results and "special situation".

Now, Suzaku was currently laying by Lelouch's side on top of the bed, eyeing the prince's stomach curiously.

"Soooo…there's a real baby in there, hunh?" Suzaku asked, more to himself than to Lelouch.

Lelouch just hummed in response, his mouth full of pudding as he tried to configure the fetus inside him into his "Destroy Britannia" plans.

"How does that even work with you being a guy and all?" Suzaku continued to question, thinking out loud.

Lelouch shrugged carelessly, making another humming noise.

He didn't know how and he didn't really care to know. It was probably something Geass-related anyway.

…

Wait.

…

_Fuck._

'_I suspect that C.C. may have had a hand in this._' Lelouch thought, his eyes narrowing. '_I honestly would not be surprised._'

Suzaku pursed his lips as he continued to stare at Lelouch's stomach.

'_This is…_'

He stretched his arm out and let his hand settle against Lelouch's stomach gently.

'_How could I ever-?_'

His eyebrows furrowed as his thoughts wandered.

'…_is this supposed to be funny?_' he thought, his lips slowly turning downward as his thoughts darkened. '_Am I supposed to go along with this just like that?_'

His thumb moved of its own accord and brushed against Lelouch's stomach, causing Lelouch to flinch at the feel.

Lelouch opened his mouth, ready to tell Suzaku that he was breaking their "no tickling" agreement and he was therefore going to smother him with his pillow…

…but one look at Suzaku's distant expression and he kept silent.

'_I can't raise a child._' Suzaku thought, worrying for the unborn child growing inside his fiancé's belly. '_I…I killed my own father. I __**murdered**__ him in cold blood. What sort of terrible person could ever hope to be a good parent to their own children?_'

Suzaku sighed.

"Lelouch…I don't know about this." he started, removing his hand for fear of "tainting" the unborn child with all the invisible blood staining his hands. "I just…really do not know."

"Hm?"

Lelouch raised an eyebrow at Suzaku questioningly.

"About what?" he asked.

He had a feeling that he already knew what Suzaku was getting at, however.

"About this." Suzaku answered, gesturing towards Lelouch's stomach. "I mean, how am I supposed to be father to a child when my father was…you know."

Lelouch's eyes softened and he shook his head slightly.

'_Suzaku, you really are a big softie._'

"Suzaku-"

"What sort of person like me could be worth anything to this child?" Suzaku interrupted, voice border lining on being frantic. "I'll ruin everything!"

Lelouch sighed.

"Suzaku, stop saying things like that." Lelouch calmly demanded.

Lelouch set his pudding bowl and spoon to the side before he sat up, turned his back to Suzaku, and then let himself fall into Suzaku's lap.

"Other than having an irritating way of annoying me when you feel the need to," Lelouch began, reaching up a hand to twirl his fingers into Suzaku's hair. "you have no real terrible qualities. You're cute, ridiculously brave, abnormally athletic, nice to the point of being a fool, _very_ obedient to me…most of the time, and-"

Suzaku rolled his eyes and huffed, slightly embarrassed.

"Lelouch-"

"Nu-unh!" Lelouch interrupted, placing a finger against Suzaku's lips. "Let me finish."

"Go ahead."

"_And_…you're _mine_." Lelouch finished. "There are an infinite number of reasons why I believe that you would-no-_will_ be an excellent father to _our_ child. Now, while this pregnancy was a shock-"

"You pelted me with pillow fluff."

"_Shut up_. Now, while this pregnancy was a great shock, we'll make the best of it."

Here, Lelouch allowed a tiny smile to form at the thought of the child he was carrying.

"Besides, I've always wanted to have a little girl." he added quietly. "Assuming that I'm having one. It would be nice."

Here, Suzaku awwwed.

Lelouch blushed and flicked Suzaku on his forehead.

"Shut up. It's not funny!"

"I know it isn't~ I just think it's really cute~"

"It is _not_!"

Suzaku chuckled as he leaned down to plant a kiss on Lelouch's forehead.

"I love you and your cute 'I want a baby girl.'...ness."

"Fuck off, Suzie!" Lelouch shouted, his expression a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

...

Lelouch sighed.

"Yeah." he said, his expression instantly dissolving into a gentle expression of love. "I love you too~"

-X-X-X-

Serena: Lelouch plus a baby girl equals YES. Adorable~ So, hey guys! How are you all doing? So what is this you just read and where have I been? I bet you're asking that. I also bet you have flaming donuts at hand and ready to throw at me for not updating anything yet. Well, please hold those donuts for just a moment and let me explain.

First of all, I haven't been writing much due to home issues. The first issue is that I'm transferring to a new college (an actual on-campus one) and the stupid people at my current college won't return my damn calls. At all. And I'm pissed about that. "I'll call you back in 24 to 48 hours! Have a nice day! :D"

Effing _lies_.

The second issue is that I finally got to meet a very good friend of mine, but that visit turned out to be a huge mistake and didn't end well. :U Sucks, but not much else I can do about it. All he wanted to do was…do stuff. I thought we were just going to hang out and have a ton of fun. Like, playing video games and cool stuff like that, but yeah. That never happened. And since I refused to do what the guy wanted, he made a few threats, lectured me for TRYING TO SAVE HIS LIFE (I shit you not about this.), and then my dad got fed up with him and sent him away. No one was physically hurt, I assure you.

The third issue is (or was) my mom…I don't feel like talking about it.

Finally, the last issue was job hunting. There is, like, NOTHING open. No one is hiring anyone else. :U I did get lucky today, though, but I have to wait and see how that turns out.

Anyway, there's my explanation as to why I've been so dead. I even got an e-mail from one of you guys asking if I was okay and stuff. I was surprised, but I thought it was really sweet. ^^ Love you in a friendly way, dear~! (I love all my reviewers in a friendly way, though. :'D)

Okay. As for this sad excuse of a one-shot thingy, I dunno. I was bored. Me and my Suzie had been talking about random crap and then I started writing this. So I dunno. XD Umm…please review if you would like to and have a great day everyone! ^^ I may add on to this with another one-shot...I dunno. There was going to be a lot more, but I got lazy and it turned into this...thing.

(FFFFF. I gotta review stuff. D: [is shot by the one person that brought a shotgun and not a flaming donut])


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